I AM to Die For...

...Just Ask Jesus...

Woah, that's a lot to take in, is it not?  That's probably why I chose 'Cause He (God/Jesus) Loves Me for my blog name.  In about 9 months to 1 year I hope to make this blog into a website (I'll have a fairly well paying job :).  Starting blog with it's own URL is EXPENSIVE! ) with LOTS of followers ;).  I hope it becomes something big and/or changes a life...

But, back to the saying.  Jesus really DOES think I am to die for!  Is that not amazing?!?  Who would've thought that I am to die for?  That he died so I, the sinner, could go to heaven!  He bore every sin ever committed so I could go to heaven!  Why would he do that?  Why?

Why is a question I am always asking!  I ask it because a) I'm curious  and  b) I can't/won't/don't believe what you're saying is true!  I had a huge BFO (bling flash of the obvious) about a week ago.  I have always thought I wasn't worth a piece of garbage or worth a crap (I don't normally talk like this) in laymen's lingo. Why? (Can you see my obsession with the word Why, yet?)  I don't rightly know.  I just know I have the LOWEST self-confidence of any human being you'll ever meet.  I may be EXTREMELY book smart and techno savvy.  I may be a great horsewoman (which horse stuff is the only thing I've EVER been confident with!) and I may be 'pretty' by the world's standards (no I'm NOT bragging!)...  But I've always been shy and unconfident.  Since I've believed this lie (that I'm not worth anything) everything has suffered.  I haven't been doing everything to my utmost ability because I didn't think it would make a difference because I sucked (excuse my language, again.  I just couldn't think of a better word) at everything.  Or that's what I believed.  But it's NOT TRUE!  DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE THAT THE WORLD/SATAN WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE!!!  You ARE worth a LOT!  You aren't a piece of garbage for people to trample!  So, don't let them.  Here is my favorite verse and a verse that makes my point for me~

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one falls to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs on your HEAD are numbered.  So, do not be afraid for you are worth more than many sparrows...

If the very hairs on your head are numbered don't you think God thinks a great deal of you?  But, back to my BFO...

I had had some bad news (I'm not going to tell anyone since it didn't happen) so I went outside.  Sonny was right there and I had just reread the first chapter of 'Hope Rising' by Kim Meeder (you REALLY need to read this book) so, in the back of my mind, I was mulling over the idea that you ARE loved.  Then I got the bad news and went outside, ladedadeda...  And I started crying on Sonny.  That happens a lot.  He's like a big teddy.  I also think he understands a little bit of what's going on.  But while I was crying God brought to my mind that chapter I had read.  But, I being average me, rejected it.  He presented his case again, and I, like a bad judge, rejected it as false, again.  Finally he got a little ticked and said, "Walk away from that horse."

And I said (in normal me behavior), "Why should I?"

And he said, "Because, if he follows you that means you really are LOVED."

And I said (do you see a pattern yet?), "But if he doesn't follow me it means I'm not loved.  I don't know if I can take that..."

And he said, "Trust me (I don't trust easily [If at all] b/c no one understands me and whenever I bring my emotions up they say they aren't true.  Whatever.)"

So, for probably the first time in a my life, I trusted.  I didn't think Sonny would follow (there was knee high grass everywhere!) so I stood there scuffing my bare toe in the dirt, not daring to look over my shoulder.  And, you guessed it, I felt soft breathing on my neck.  HE HAD FOLLOWED!  But, I being me, didn't quite believe it.  So, we repeated the sequence again, and again, and again, and again.  And he followed me every time.  Finally, I just started sobbing on his (Sonny's) forehead.  I cried for around 30 minutes.  He just sat (well, stood) their like a good little boy.  I felt, I don't know, free?  Relieved?  Happy?  Loved?  Alive?  I just know I felt GREAT (that word doesn't describe the feeling at ALL.).  And like the biggest weed 'breed' in that weed patch called my heart had been pulled out.  I still struggle with feeling I'm not loved minutely but I think I'm winning the battle.  I have to.