Death...

     I hate death.  I mean I LOATHE it.  And I've had to deal with it a lot in my life.  In reality and in 'thinking' someone's gonna die.  Not just animals (Although I've had a good bit of that) but people.  My Uncle/Godfather and now my great grandma.  Yes, she died.  Last night at 3am.  We were there until 10pm last night and it was horrible.  I felt like I was on death watch.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run away.  I was watching someone I loved DIE!  Do you know what that feels like?????  I watched as each organ shut down.  I watched her throw up a mixture of bile, whatever she'd eaten, and blood.  And almost drown herself in it because she was to weak to get off of her back.  She had NO flesh on her bones and didn't look like the happy, sweet great grandmother I've known for all of my life.  I kept wanting to yell  "Get away you Angel of death!  LEAVE ME ALONE!"  I felt trapped and broken.  I felt like a captive.  And when I was able to I bolted.  We had McDonald's for dinner on the beach (That's where she lived) and I saw dark thunderstorm clouds roll in over the gulf as the sun set.  It was like death was rolling in.  So, I ran.  And ran.  And ran.  I ran up and down that beach the entire time I was there.  I needed to out run it.  And I did.  If only for a minute.  I just want my life to be like a normal kid's.  No health crises all the time.  No worry.  No stress.  No financial trouble. No nothing.  I don't want to have to think about anything other than what kids think about.  But I'm gonna have to.  Not that I'm gonna like it...  But I have to.
     I live in an age of 'the faster the better'.  I was listening to the song 'Live Like We're Dying' by Kris Allen and it suddenly hit me....  What would I do if I knew I was going to die soon?  Maybe ride into the sunset?  No.  Maybe ride on the beach?  No.  What about doing something I've always wanted to do (Ride all day across the moors and etc in Ireland or Scotland.  My ancestral homes)?  No.  I'd want to tell my family I love them and thank you.  Thank you for being there and thank you for showing me the correct path.  I would also apply myself to whatever I loved most and do my dang hardest.  I would try to make a difference in someone's life.  I would do something that would show that Yahweh* did the right thing by putting me on this earth!  I would put aside my differences.  I would try to help every one else's problems.  I would try to make everyone feel welcome.  I would do anonymous things for organizations.  I would do whatever I could for OTHERS!   Key word 'others'. And you wanna know something?  I should do that EVERY bloody day.  And I sure don't.  Why?  It's too hard... I want to do what I want to do.  Not school.  But I don't want to do school.  But I don't want to clean my room.  But she's annoying.  She's too different from me.  I'm too shy.  I'm not strong enough.  I could never change ANYTHING!  BS!  Excuse my language but those excuses are called 'Special Exceptions'.  Aka Excuses.  And you want to know something?  Excuses are bs!  Again, excuse my language but I'm talking to myself and the side of me that wants to change is getting pretty ticked at the side of me called pride and selfishness.  I have a whole lot of pride.  That is probably my biggest downfall.  I can't admit I'm wrong without fighting with my self and even then I can't.  It's SOOO hard for me to be humble and not retaliate.  Like Sunday.  But I'll get into that later.  I have my heart so well guarded that NO ONE could get in.  Except for maybe Yahweh.  He's close to breaking in.  I've got it barricaded and he's broken in before and then been repelled back a couple of times.  I need to just let him get in.  To stay.  I think that it's gonna happen.  Soon.  Tonight.  

So, what would you do if you were dying?

There's a commercial then the song :).  Oh, and pause my playlist at the bottom of the page :).

Live Like We're Dying Lyrics

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you,

What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye

Should be so careful who we live out our lives

So when we long for absolution,

There'll be no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying..