Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Monday, October 4, 2010

Why God? Why?

UPDATE: Moved site to http://wheretherainfallsdown.blogspot.com

     Those are questions I can't stop asking myself...  Why did I have to hold Tyson (my neighbors REALLY cool Rhodesian Ridgeback) as he died?  Why did it HAVE to happen right after my great grandmother died???  Why?  I don't know how much I can take before I break down.  I'm just not sure.  I'm pretty broke up.  Yesterday was the service and today was the burial.  But here's the story behind Tyson dying...

     Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  It's 11:30pm and someone's banging on your door.  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  Your dad jumps off the couch from a dead sleep and stumbles to the door.  A lady's standing there.

"Do you have a tan colored dog?"
"Yes."
"Sir, I think your dogs been hit...  He looks pretty bad."
"What!?!?!  Show me!"
"Come with me then..."

     You hear a whistle and two labs come bounding up the your dad.  No, it's not one of your dogs.  Oh God, please don't let it be the Browns* dog!  Running your dad and the lady jump the fence, and sure enough, it's the Browns dog...  Your dad sprints back down the street and up the driveway.  He rips you out of bed.

      "Taylor, Tyson's been hit.  Hurry up.  I'm grabbing the jeep and'll meet you there.  He's by their driveway."

     Scrambling you throw on some decent clothes and start running.  By now there is probably around 15 people standing around.  You squat down and start murmuring to him.  There's blood EVERYWHERE.  It's coming out of his nose and mouth.  Your dad pulls up.  His body is starting to cool down and he's going into shock.  Your dad and three other people pick him up and start putting him in the jeep.  You scramble in and help position him on his side.  People start packing blankets around him.  Everyone starts emptying their wallets and pockets to pay for whatever vet bills come up.  You go and sit in the passengers seat and off you go.  Soon the blankets start flapping 'cause you're in a jeep rubicon with the doors and top off.  So, you unbuckle and try to pin them down.  By this time you have blood ALL over you.  He (the dog) struggles to rise so he can clear the blood and keep from suffocating.  You get sprayed with blood.  He lays back down.  You rub him to keep him warm and talk to him to keep him calm.  He repeats the struggle to rise many times.  Finally he gets too weak to rise anymore.  He shudders and you feel his life slip through your hands.  You start yelling at him to stay with you.  You're only 1 mile from the emergency vet's.  Come on Tyson!  You CAN do it!  But, you lose him.  He stops breathing and he shudders 2 or 3 times.  You tell your dad (more like scream.  The wind is really loud) that you don't think he's not breathing.  You smack his shoulder calling his name.  You grab his scruff and give his head a shake.  He's gone though.  You've never touched a dead body or even really seen one so you feel the urge to puke.  Mind you 5 minutes before we had gotten a hold of the owners and his wife's in emergency surgery and we had thought he was going to be OK.  As in make it to the EV (Emergency vets).  We thought he'd probably have to get put down because you could tell his lower back was fractured.  But, you reach the vet's and someone's waiting for you.  You tell her you don't think he's breathing and that you think he's gone.  She checks and sure enough he's gone.  Y'all pull him out (mind you he's a 150# dog and was bred to fight lions) and blood just pours EVERYWHERE.  You then place him on the wheeled gurney.  Now, you and your dad start crying.  You're both covered in blood and you have it covering your arms, shirt, neck, and face.  She lets you go clean up and when your dad leaves the bathroom you go in and just sob.  You then go and fill out some paperwork.  You are then allowed to go.  You call the owner and tell him the bad news.  On the way home you freeze your butts off so you don't have enough energy to cry.  But when you get home you go to your room and sob.  and sob.  and sob.


     Yep, that's my weekend.  It sucked.  I still just want to cry.  But, I can't right now.  I'm at my g-parents with the fam (extended) and have non-waterproof mascara on.  *sighs*  I'm emotionally drained.  I don't feel anymore emotions.  I'm just too drained *smiles shakily*  *sighs*  I've got to go now...  Or I may start crying...



*Names changed to protect privacy

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Death...

     I hate death.  I mean I LOATHE it.  And I've had to deal with it a lot in my life.  In reality and in 'thinking' someone's gonna die.  Not just animals (Although I've had a good bit of that) but people.  My Uncle/Godfather and now my great grandma.  Yes, she died.  Last night at 3am.  We were there until 10pm last night and it was horrible.  I felt like I was on death watch.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run away.  I was watching someone I loved DIE!  Do you know what that feels like?????  I watched as each organ shut down.  I watched her throw up a mixture of bile, whatever she'd eaten, and blood.  And almost drown herself in it because she was to weak to get off of her back.  She had NO flesh on her bones and didn't look like the happy, sweet great grandmother I've known for all of my life.  I kept wanting to yell  "Get away you Angel of death!  LEAVE ME ALONE!"  I felt trapped and broken.  I felt like a captive.  And when I was able to I bolted.  We had McDonald's for dinner on the beach (That's where she lived) and I saw dark thunderstorm clouds roll in over the gulf as the sun set.  It was like death was rolling in.  So, I ran.  And ran.  And ran.  I ran up and down that beach the entire time I was there.  I needed to out run it.  And I did.  If only for a minute.  I just want my life to be like a normal kid's.  No health crises all the time.  No worry.  No stress.  No financial trouble. No nothing.  I don't want to have to think about anything other than what kids think about.  But I'm gonna have to.  Not that I'm gonna like it...  But I have to.
     I live in an age of 'the faster the better'.  I was listening to the song 'Live Like We're Dying' by Kris Allen and it suddenly hit me....  What would I do if I knew I was going to die soon?  Maybe ride into the sunset?  No.  Maybe ride on the beach?  No.  What about doing something I've always wanted to do (Ride all day across the moors and etc in Ireland or Scotland.  My ancestral homes)?  No.  I'd want to tell my family I love them and thank you.  Thank you for being there and thank you for showing me the correct path.  I would also apply myself to whatever I loved most and do my dang hardest.  I would try to make a difference in someone's life.  I would do something that would show that Yahweh* did the right thing by putting me on this earth!  I would put aside my differences.  I would try to help every one else's problems.  I would try to make everyone feel welcome.  I would do anonymous things for organizations.  I would do whatever I could for OTHERS!   Key word 'others'. And you wanna know something?  I should do that EVERY bloody day.  And I sure don't.  Why?  It's too hard... I want to do what I want to do.  Not school.  But I don't want to do school.  But I don't want to clean my room.  But she's annoying.  She's too different from me.  I'm too shy.  I'm not strong enough.  I could never change ANYTHING!  BS!  Excuse my language but those excuses are called 'Special Exceptions'.  Aka Excuses.  And you want to know something?  Excuses are bs!  Again, excuse my language but I'm talking to myself and the side of me that wants to change is getting pretty ticked at the side of me called pride and selfishness.  I have a whole lot of pride.  That is probably my biggest downfall.  I can't admit I'm wrong without fighting with my self and even then I can't.  It's SOOO hard for me to be humble and not retaliate.  Like Sunday.  But I'll get into that later.  I have my heart so well guarded that NO ONE could get in.  Except for maybe Yahweh.  He's close to breaking in.  I've got it barricaded and he's broken in before and then been repelled back a couple of times.  I need to just let him get in.  To stay.  I think that it's gonna happen.  Soon.  Tonight.  


So, what would you do if you were dying?



There's a commercial then the song :).  Oh, and pause my playlist at the bottom of the page :).






Live Like We're Dying Lyrics

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There'll be no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...


Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...


We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone
You never see a crash till it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..


Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying...


We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying..

A Good Poem...

When you run so fast to get somewhere
you miss half the fun of getting there
if you worry and hurry through your day
it's like an unopened gift
thrown away
Life is not a race
Do take is slower
hear the music
before the song is over."